Scared to be happy
[This was written at the start of the week on my flight over to the US]
It is so so sad the way we can ignore what joy is staring us in the face. This morning Mollie got into bed with Hannah - her own idea, we weren't even up yet - and was reading to her from one of her books. They both looked so adorable sitting there chatting away to each other, happy, untroubled, content. I found myself getting emotional at how perfect they both were. I seem to get so deeply deeply sad at moments like this. I've never quite put my finger on the reason why.
Maybe I am sad for a lost innocence, maybe I am sad at their vulnerability. I feel overwhelmed by something larger, bigger, scarier than I am happy dealing with. It's as if I am unable to deal with powerful emotions whether positive or negative and fear losing myself in the enormity of them. I do tend to protect myself from emotion and keep everything at a distance to do so. The thing I am most afraid of is happiness. I fear success more than failure and ecstasy more than grief. It's as if happiness brings too much responsibility with it - sadness can be someone else's fault.
Sitting here on the 747 flying towards LA I found myself starting to remember the events of 9-11. I could picture the ....... no I am not going to do that. I have always felt that if I imagined terrible things hard enough they would happen. My most frequent of these feelings is of an IRA bomb going off next to me in London. Strangely I don't feel the same ability to make good things happen simply by imagining them.
I am reading Wayne Dyer's new book "There Is A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem" at the moment and in it he reminds us how we each create our world with our imaginations. We tend to get what we focus on. If we focus on what we fear then that is likely what we will experience. If we focus on what we don't like about our lives then that will tend to continue. But if we focus on what we desire with the same energy then that too is more likely to happen.
I feel that I have immense power to bring about my world yet I am afraid to use this power. I am afraid of the responsibility that comes with this power and prefer to wallow in sadness and self pity instead.
For the sake of those two beautiful girls innocently reading in bed this morning I have to grab the future and face up to the power within me.